You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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