she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
