I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
