she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I am mentally ready for anal.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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