She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
