He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
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Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?