quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.