Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".