Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself