i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love you. Go after that dick
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
