My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
