I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.