come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
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Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
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Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.