also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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