So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pants are for mortals
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
