i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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