For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
