Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
