my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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