my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My vagina is officially offended.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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