i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
