Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Say something about gay babies.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
