life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
