Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
