My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
