Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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