After last night, I could never be a politician.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
