We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
