census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
