hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
