Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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