yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
