he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
