My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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