No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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