So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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