My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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