Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
