Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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