I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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