Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask