Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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