its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
