Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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