based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
