I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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