life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
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He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
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