Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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