Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
