woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
