GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
