As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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