Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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