my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize