They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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