I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
