We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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