Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
