Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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