smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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