Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
