I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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